“Forgive and forget Major” (Hello Paul!). With such sangfroid disdain reminiscent of IVA Richards in his pomp, Fawlty sends the grudge-heavy Major Gowen back towards the bunker within his scotch on the rocks and Times crosswords to a world of gloomy recollection and unsettled scores.
I empathise with the dear old Major here. I too can never move on -have seldom moved on- from an unresolved disgruntlement.

Yes, it’s only thirty five dollars. Yes, it was nearly a month ago. How many more Caaaaald ones would that have got? How many SevenEleven Coffees? Thirty five actually.
But that’s not the point.
The point is, even in the great depths of consumer hell and abyss of the value for money crypt that is Australia, thirty five dollars for four hours of looking at Melbourne graffiti is stupefyingly horrendous. Every dollar counts in the world of the Backpacker, especially the alcohol dependent ones.

So imagine my relief earlier, when I signed up for China Tours and the complete and unadulterated Perth walking tour (sun cream not provided) all refreshingly gratis, save for a couple of Caaaaald Ones at appropriate intervals.
First in store is a mooch around the city centre taking in the underwhelming malls and slightly better cafes and bars, three Flight Centres, four Subways, no SevenElevens and a Ye Olde Englishe Market which isn’t so much mock Tudor as taking a wazz on the very legacy of Henry VIII and all of his wives. The tour meanders on along the wooden decking pathway behind the WACA alongside the Swan River. Kayakers, bored shitless and melting in the midday sun float inconsequentially past, hopeless fishermen stand perspiring on the rocks.

Then the crowning glory of the tour. Dolphins. Twenty metres from our shaded resting place on the shore. For ten minutes these graceful creatures amuse themselves and us by slipping gracefully in and out of the serene view across the river.

Lunch is a couple of bespoke Caaaaald Ones in the nouveau riche area of Victoria Gardens. More walking and more sights they don’t tell you about in Lonely Planet; like the fascinating award winning multi-storey bridge and the most violent water fountain in the Southern Hemisphere.

All this for free. There’s a gap in the market here, surely? What China could do is package this all up for gullible tourists and charge them extortionate amounts for doing so.

Now there’s a thought….